And, finally, to end this series, I write a few words on my personal observations about … well, myself! Here there are, in no particular order.
*Author’s note: I strive to write honestly about the changes I have observed in myself. This is not a pity party on myself, but merely me being open and candid.*
My love for Spanish has been evolving. It’s so very complicated. I have days where Spanish just flows forth from my tongue and my ears comprehend all that falls upon them. Then there are days where I wonder why I ever thought it would be a good idea to study a language. I feel that I will never be perfect in it, nor understand it even in the slightest. Those are the days I feel isolated and unable to communicate myself to others. I feel uncultured and struck deaf and dumb. It’s frightening. That’s when I remind myself that I have much to learn and will always be learning (which perhaps is the reason that I choose to study a language in the first place) as language is always evolving.
Deciding to come home: This was not an easy decision. I hold myself to high standards, and admitting that I want to go home feels like failing to me. But I also know that my heart is back in the States. I love being in Spain, I love living my life here. I also know that I will be ready to go back come summer. I came here trying to do a job, trying to get involved in the culture and the people here. I just feel that I don’t fit, that I haven’t found my niche. I’m probably too American—and I’m damn proud of it!
This—being in Spain—is my life, not just an experience. I have a gym membership, I tutor, I have friends and plans and activities. Some people, after hearing that I will return to the States, say “So, this is just an experience for you?” But being here in Spain is not “just” an experience. This line of thought assumes that “an experience” is something that ends. It has a definitive termination point. Therefore, “living” is what you do when there is no definitive termination point. But doesn’t life end? So then isn’t life itself an experience? Regardless of how you feel on the subject, I don’t see Spain as “just” an experience: It’s my life regardless of where I am.
Another aspect of my life that I have come to terms with is the transitional style of my life for the past 10 to 12 years. Around middle school, I started shuttling back and forth between my parents’ homes. Then I changed from elementary to middle to high school then to college. Then I moved between parents’ homes and dorm rooms. Then I came to Spain. I’ve never realized how this transition has worn me out. There have been so many times that I wonder where my weariness comes from—I feel so old for being 22 some days—and now I think it has come from the endless shuffle that is my life. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a grand portion of this transition that I’ve been very happy to do. The difference is that I now recognize how much of my mentality has been focused on “Where to next? What happens next? What do I need to have? What are we doing after this? Am I prepared for everything?” This mentality accounts for the deep, dark guilt I harbor within myself for sitting down for more than an hour, or sleeping in, or not having plans all the time. I’ve known for years that this “live in the present” concept could be beneficial to me, but I’ve never understood why I couldn’t really grasp it. Putting my finger on this sense of constant movement helps me live in the present. Embracing the transitional person within me helps remind me not to focus only on where I need to be next, but on where I am presently. Embracing my transitional self helps my present self smile, take a deep breath, and enjoy the process of movement.
Maybe it's the cooking... maybe I just like drinking wine |
School: Oh, yes. School. All I can really say on this point is: I don’t think I’m ready to be a teacher, and especially not in Spain. A mentor, a tutor: yes, maybe, but not a teacher. And that’s ok with me: I have 3 great friends that are. Besides, I’m doing them a favor by not becoming a teacher and therefore leaving them at least one open teaching position this year J. (Ha! Just kidding! Don’t kill me!!)
I’ve been having a lot of fun learning to cook new dishes. I have two friends here who are obsessed with food. One is professionally trained, and the other, well… she’s just obsessed. I have learned so much and realize how much I love cooking.
Perhaps the biggest quandary of my inner thoughts and consciousness that I have yet to settle is how to stop trying to be Perfect. You know what I’m saying, that perfect vision of yourself (how you should look, how you should be, how you should act) that is served with the bitter side of how you think others think you should be. It’s exhausting, really. But apparently it’s what keeps me going, motivated, pushing, and being the girl that you all know—the girl who “If they don’t give you Fulbright, then they must be looking for machines.” I think I’m trying to be a machine, that’s the scary part. Ok, maybe not a machine. The point I’m trying to make is that I’m still in the process of figuring out what I want from my life, not what I think (or what I think you think) I should be doing. I’m a fantastic person (and you are, too!), so I’m learning to nurture her and love her.
On a health note: For the past seven or eight years I have had chronic heartburn. I have tried all types of remedies and prescription meds, seen lots of doctors, undergone a procedure, and seen multiple therapists— all to no avail. The heartburn persists and comes on as randomly as ever. Everyone’s favorite theory has been that it’s how stressed out I am. That used to be my favorite excuse, too. But then I realized that my body does something different to react to stress. I also noticed that it stressed me out thinking that I was stressed out, a self-fulfilling prophecy if you will. It also stressed me out to think that other people were thinking I was stressing out all the time. So, from here on, I ban any type of talk that I’m stressed out when it comes to my heartburn. Telling myself, and hearing from others, that I’m stressed out is not helping. It leaves no room for improvement. My new theory is this: Yes, I do stress, and it probably has some effect on my heartburn. However, I think I am just prone to heartburn or that it’s a food allergy. Considering the latter, I will now take steps to try and discover if that could be the case. And, you know what, if I continue having heartburn, I continue having heartburn. But let’s stop stressing myself out about it, ok?
Another health mention: I’ve been kicking out 9:30 min/miles while here in Madrid! I’m ecstatic. I thought I was doing 10:30s or 11 min/miles. I got a Garmin this Christmas (yea, one of those fancy running watch things), and if it’s to be trusted, I’m rocking it! Normally I run a 5k 3x/wk through the busy streets of Madrid and around the calmer interior of Retiro, uphill and down. I would like to increase that distance just a bit.
On a last note:
Andrea, a good friend from Berry, and I recently shared some emails. She's lived abroad before and understands what it's like to live the good, the bad, and the fabulous of that event. What struck me from the latest email was the simplest of phrases: "You're going out, making friends, reconociendo Madrid (getting to know Madrid), learning Spanish, and traveling Spain - all the reasons you wanted to be a Fulbright in the first place!" And so I am! I have already accomplished so much in just a few short months regardless of how much I tell myself that I "should" be "getting out more.” The realization that I have done so much (and that I absolutely love it!) makes me how quickly 6 months flies. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, there will be good and bad days. But that's life.
What matters is what you create out of the bad days and what you savor from the good days—wherever you are.
Celebrating NYE with a Swedish friend |